Hoping for ideas from the readership of WryteStuff.com
Posted: Thursday, January 12, 2012
by The Old Gray Mare
www.DressYourHorse.com
It’s tough to raise kids these days. Makes you wonder why some people, single or married, are so incredibly wired to have large families.
Just to raise one or two children is increasingly difficult from a financial point of view. Add to that the complications of raising the children to productive members of society are ever more complex. Children do not remain adorable infants for long; before anyone knows it, the precious toddler years are over and the youngsters are attending school. And then it all starts.
Goodness, the kids are teenagers in no time at all. Where did the cute chubby faced babe go anyway? Few people are truly prepared for their teenagers.
It’s difficult to be a teenager – I really believe that. These days, there are countless pressures put on our kids and they come at a fast and furious pace. If the parents have kept a good communication going with their children, then they have a fighting chance to get through all these years, squeaking as they go.
But for most of the families, getting through these years is more like closing one eye and trying not to hear the hammer fall. The kids become independent to the point of knowing everything when they turn 14 or 15, they think they are in love when they have a first kiss, they get mouthy when they are not even teenagers – and the language and tone of voice is simply unacceptable. There’s drugs, and anything and everything is available to our kids. It’s really tough.
So here is a friend’s sob story. Perhaps a reader can help Mom BDS out with her young teenage daughter BMS –
BMS has always been a lovely child, terribly shy but a nice kid. As she turned 10 everything started. She began to lie; the bad part is that she lied about everything and anything. BMS was so good at her “misspeaking” that it became increasingly difficult to discern the lies from the truth. Mom tried just about everything and it seemed that the battle was getting better. Mysteriously it started up again, only worse.
Then the food problems started. BMS loves anything sweet and will go through hell and high water to get candy. Forbidden after some lies and other deeds, she started sneaking candy. No amount of grounding or consequences made any difference. Refusing to discuss anything with a psychologist, those visits were a complete waste of time. Caught in a lie or sneaking the sweets, she’d show remorse for all of a couple of minutes and continue on as though nothing had ever happened. She always promised to get better. On and on it went until to the present day, nothing effectively works and she still sneaks sweets and baked goodies. She stuffs wrappers and remnants into various and assorted places in her room. The Mom tells me that they now have mice in the house and they attribute this to the crumbs and leftover habits of BMS.
It’s such a serious problem that it is causing irreparable damage between the family members. They have never struck BMS and will not resort to physical punishment. However, they have come to the end of their ropes. It is the sneaking and dishonesty that they find most disturbing. No amount of talking to her, giving her a supply of her own goodies, etc. has helped.
I have watched this on the sidelines, adding just a comment if I’m asked. Frankly, I’m not sure what I would do in this Mom’s predicament.
So I pose this as a general question to all our WryteStuff’rs with the fervent hope that someone in readerland can offer Mom BDS a suggestion or two. I hate to see them this distraught. Yet I can well understand that this has been next to impossible as it continues without resolution.
Back to my lead-in of this article – what is the huge drive in this day and age of overpopulation, environmental problems, and all the other current troubles when it comes to raising honest, forthright societal citizens are people so enamored with having more than a couple of kids?
Personally, I don’t like the idea of “It takes a village to raise a child.” It takes parenting and that starts at home with love, respect and manners. It’s not all about “me, myself, and I.” The kids will tell you. “Me first! It’s pleasure and what I want, have and hope to get. And I deserve all of it.”
In reading this article over, it is sharp in tone. It’s how I feel right now. I’ve been watching some unrulies when I’m out and about. Kids run through stores – they’re not sitting in a cart. If they are, they are screaming bloody murder. And what do the parents do? Give in. Great for tomorrow’s training, I’d say. We’re going out to a nice restaurant tonight. Bring your worst behavior, darling kids. No one will mind. And by the way, it’s not necessary for men to remove baseball caps, pull out chairs, stand up for the pledge of allegiance and more. Ick!
I do pose BDS’s dilemma though. Maybe someone has a helpful idea or two.
The Old Gray Mare writes for www.DressYourHorse.com and her Blog sites.
This Article has been viewed 352 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)Strong work here, Heidi. I can't imagine why anyone would want a lot of kids, or why America seems to be enamored with people having 19-20 kids and exploiting them for income.
As for your request; I have no suggestions, except that maybe a different psychologist? There is something wrong, of course, but maybe it's metabolic in nature.I think they've tried several psychologist but never a psychiatrist. I'm thinking that maybe a psychiatrist? I'd hate to see my friend's kid get put on a bunch of meds. They have an idea that maybe she's bipolar. But throwing terms around and grabbing symptoms here and there doesn't cut it. Right now the girl has been put on AD&D type medication. I very much appreciate the read and comments. They've had a steep battle.
Hi OGM. I have two boys - one 39 a construction worker, and a 16st body bulider of 23, and yet to this day not one has ever back answered me, hard to believe but true, but then again they know the consequences of getting me mad. I have been brought up around a lot of kids, and I mean a lot, who all call me Kath the Bully the Basher, but these same kids want to be around me all the time, so I must be doing something right. My eldest boy married 10 years ago and had no intentions of leaving home, and the youngest is still with me, regardless of the slaps they got if they did wrong, and when they got to a certain age, and because I was dealing with men and not toddlers now, the slap turned to a punch. I'm not saying punch BMS, but a smack never did anyone any harm. It could likely be beacuse there is no pain involved she keeps doing what she's doing. I know when my mom gave me a good hiding for being naughty, I sure thought about being naughty the second time round. I am firm a believer that if a child is "real" naughty, then they deserve a smack. Maybe not everyone will agree. My sons are living proof that even the smack was not enough to get them to leave home - lol
Keep well
KacyHi Kacycarr. You are the best! This is what I have been saying all along. However, my friend is afraid to use any kind of physical means because she does not want anyone to consider her abusive. I know she's too soft and nice. So the differing groundings or consequences are what they resort to - I say to no avail. It is going to take a bump - and a hard one at that. Kids these days run to DCF or somewhere and complain. She's not taking those chances. Meanwhile, the kid is getting more mouthy and taking total advantage of the situation I'm afraid.
You tell an amazing story about your family and you must be congratulated. You sound like you have some amazing sons. My story parallels yours somewhat too. My son is over 40 and I live together with my son and wife on the same property in my own portion of the house. When he first married, they moved in with me for over five years and moved directly into the house of their dreams. Now it's dejavu - Mom has moved in. We get along so great. If you get the chance, on my home page is my story of my son.
My daughter has lead a much more troubling life. Not only that but she has some lasting health issues. She is doing what she can to live life as best she can.
I'd personally rather raise three sons than one daughter.
Thanks for sharing your lovely family story and for reading and for taking the time to comment. You know I dearly love hearing from you.OGM, sorry to hear about your daughter. You mention your friend fears DCF, Is this what we call in the UK, Social Service, where if your child complains they are on to you. Well let them come! Here I go on the defensive again, if my child as much as threatened me with these people, then I'd gladly do time for them. It might sound I beat my kids, how far from the thruth that is, in fact I'm more soft than you can imagine, however, that is until riled. Yes my boys are a credit, and I feel proud, and they are your normal lads, far from timid I add, but there has to be one thats stronger to keep them in check. No doubt in my mind that its a clout BMS needs. I will certainly read the article on your son "later", just as soon as I get my house back in order. Graciemae is with me at the minute with 3 of her 5 year old friends, the coffee tables turned over, the rugs being used to cover the dolls, so reading at the minute is out of the question. If only they were naughty...if only?
Keep well
KacyIt is Social Services. My friend has seen problems all around here with them. They have been long involved with two of my grandchildren, and their father, stepmother and my own daughter. It was custody for over five years and unbelievable convoluted problems. I can only assure you that our side has abided by and followed all rules and expectations. The other side has been flying by the seat of their pants. Now that the kids are basically grown up - one is 20 and the other almost 18 - they are seeing what good they have done - NOT. Both kids left home. The stepmother's own kid is in jail. All this and DCF involvement - NOT. They investigated them 18 times. 18 times. Anything done? Nope. She is the most effective lying mouth and fraud in the whole world, right after Casey Anthony. So it goes. Anyway, my friend is fearful of getting an involvement with them that could threaten her child in any way.
If only they were naught - too funny. Great comment and I agree!
Heidi, I have to agree with Ken on this one...maybe a change in a psychologist...sometimes that makes all the difference. I don't feel I am qualified to address this, but I think you are a wonderful friend for being concerned about this. Hope everything works outl
Thank you Fran, They've tried several already and the girl does not want to talk. So far no one has really drawn her out. They think that much of what is happening is grit and stubbornness. Heaps of it, I'd say.
I'm not qualified to be sure, but I've been watching this now for several years and instead of getting better, the situation is getting worse. They have been treading a delicate line between discipline and removal or denial of favors or fun things while still showing her she's loved.
I just know that it has caused them great unrest in the family. I just wish there was some suggestion or something they haven't tried. Personally, I think a little physical contact with the hand to butt might work - I had to resort to it when my kids were younger based on the "crime" and it worked. However, when my kids were children, life was very different.I spanked my girls when I thought they needed it but now it seems to be taboo - but we don't know how the kids are going to turn out who have never had physical contact will turn out...My kids also got it a few times. My son actually got it worse one time because he ran away from me and kept ducking under the table. Well you can just imagine by the time I caught up with him. I just know that parents themselves have become extremely liberal. I mean you do not negotiate with a 2 1/2 year old. Sorry, at that stage, you sort of guide them along but you do not have a discussion. I have a pet peeve about kids running around in stores, in church or even worse, at public presentations or programs - especially where they should not be in the first place. Anyway, they do grow up. Then you see how they are when they're on the road or when they don't hold open the door for the next person or they mouth off to everyone, demand from wait staff, drop paper and don't pick it up, and drop anything they don't want anywhere they want.
Is it too late for BDS to use a bit of Amy Chua's Tiger Mother's upbringing ? Some say disciplines can make kids happy. I am in no position to advise but Amy can do it, proves it works.Hi Hilda. I'm so glad you came to read. This one has me baffled and I asked my friend if I could publish the question. I was hoping that somehow, some way, one of our readers could present some kind of ideas. I'll have to look into Amy Chua's book (it's a book right?). Was she on several TV shows discussing her views and her book not too long ago. It seems to me I saw or heard something about it - she's very strict and very fierce, while at the same time very successful with the kids.
Sometime in the future, perhaps I'll get a chance to write further on this. Then, hopefully, my friend will have had some success. Still, there are many more teenage years to go with further complications looming, i.e. boyfriends, etc. Oh my! I'm so glad my family is grown up.
Gray Mare, Amy is very, if not "over" disciplined with her 2 girls. I have read her interview with some books, one is the Reader's Digest and she is real, the tiger type of one and she has a book, very successful parenting and educating her daughters.
Kids today are totally another world from ours. I understand this "predicament"You are so totally right about kids are different. It is another world. My friend has such a predicament because they cannot trust their daughter nor can they completely enjoy life as a family because there is always unrest. I hate to even go over there. I try not to say anything unless she asks or needs to talk.
I'm going to look up the lady's name. That's on my list of to do things today. Thanks so much Hilda. Maybe I can get this book from the library or find the article in the Digest.
Much appreciated, Hilda.You are welcome and have a good day. G2G...
Your caring for this family is a good thing. I firmly believe that this kind of 'new behavior' at age 10 or so has a reason, whether it is emotional, physical, or mental. Random advice is hard, unless there is more info, but I'm going to give you some questions to ask this girls mother...it might lead to finding out the source of this 'outrageous behavior'.
First Physical:
1. Is there any family history of diabetes or other physical illnesses that should be tested for...especially juvenile diabetes?
2. Do not immediately jump to ADD or ADHD, in case there are other genetic known histories on either parent's side?
Behavior is a sign of some illnesses...
3. Is there weight gain, skin changes-pimples etc, and what about vitamen deficiencies?? Such as B6 or B12? She should be tested all of the above.
Mental:
1. There is a test for bi polar disorder, it is lithium levels? Although 10 is young, many young girls have periods and hormonal changes earlier because of the meat, and food products grown with hormone enhanced feed or fertilizer.
2. Schizophrenia is usually a disease affecting young boys more often at 16-24...that's when it usually shows up...but I think there are several types of mental issues that should be considered, and is there a family history??
Emotional:
1. The statistic on girls who are molested used to be 1 in 4, and behavior changes dramatically, now that does not mean it is a family member...but that will take a female or doctor to get her to talk. Most children are threatened with death of a parent or sibling, which keeps them quiet. There is a rash of teacher/child molestations, and what about babysitters or other connected family members? Do not let mother be accusatory, but quietly investigate the possibility.
2. What about bullying at school, and she is unable to talk about name calling and is resorting to sweets, lying, anger, etc.
3. Does the family have faith, and can pray for the child??
NONE of these are meant to be an answer, but only questions that need to be answered. The mother needs to find out what social services considers proper methods of corrections, punishment or consequences for bad behavior, in case it comes down to lack of control.
I'll say a prayer for them to find the 'root cause' of this dramatic development, but I would do physical testing first in all areas, including Thyroid. I would move to mental testing, and in the meantime I would be developing a 'talking closeness' that moves the mother closer to being able to find out about emotional issues. Finding out if 'fears' or 'lies' have been told to the child by other children or adults that have gained a stronghold in her mind, etc. and may be making her 'act out'.
Well that's my best shot at your question, and I hope you find the source of the problem. I do not rule out a good child psychiatrist, who can order the lithium test, etc...a female might relate to her better. Blessings.
You are wonderful with this super detailed and well thought out in-depth discussion. You are practically at article level. You've written an amazing set of questions that many others might also find beneficial or helpful.
She has asked many of these questions already. I'm pretty sure not all at once, but over time of both the pediatrician and the psychologists. My friend has infinite patience. Her daughter adores her and the dad fiercely. That's why all of it is so difficult to comprehend. I will print out all of this article and comments and provide it to BDS to review and discuss with perhaps the doctors or DCF.
Your points are comprehensive and detailed. Mom will appreciate the suggestions I'm sure. Emotional issues could well be in place here. After several years of consequences and testing the waters, the young teenager may well be out of her element and is acting out as though she were quite young again. She might be resorting to acute stubbornness. She might have an underlying cause that is medical though she has been checked and rechecked. I am like you. I asked her if she thought the AD&D meds were suitable. Apparently the meds have worked - to an extent. Her work in school has done a complete turnaround. It's the goodies thing along with the sneaking and lying.
She is a darling girl, and I'd like to see their family become whole again. Thank you so much for all your input. I'll give you some feedback down the road.
What are this girls friends like behind closed doors? Of course they are nice to parents and when around people, but that too could be in play. Thanks for the feedback promise.You know, Elle, I'm not sure. As far as I can tell she does not have a lot of friends. She doesn't go over and others don't come over either. She lives in one of the rural areas of Connecticut, about 13 miles from where I live. Since I moved here, we don't see each other as regularly as we did all along and that's mostly since I don't work during the day now. I said that wrong, I work like a dog - from home. She goes out to work and BMS goes to school.Another point to ask about though. I've made a list now and will take it with me when next I head over or she comes here.You mentioned she lives in Conn...well some of those schools have a 'new discipline' called SCREAMROOMS, which has outraged Parents...Farm Hill has now stopped using two of the rooms...does this girl go to a school with a Screamroom? It seems the students studying are interrupted constantly by the screams of the children left alone, and there is urinating on the floor.
When my son was in elementary there was a trial period called open classrooms that was very disruptive, and three classes could hear the teachers talking in each open class....it was a ridiculous and distracting practice. At one point I removed him from public school later and sent him to private school...he had to play catch up at that time. Some of the methods applied now are not well thought out.Nope, her school - while not as small as our school system - does not have a scream room. I've never even heard of anything like that. I have heard and Mitchell, my son, was in that situation, about the open classroom. My own granddaughter was in a classroom that had two grades in it together until 8th grade. Now that she's in 9th, she's vastly improved her grades. But we realize that her study habits and efforts have improved so we're not sure if all of this together has resulted in her turnaround. However, my friend's daughter has never had school complications like multiple classes, disruptions, etc. My friend has considered many options - now she's thinking of "Boot Camp" but she's strapped for dollars, being a single mom. She's making more time for her daughter and bringing home fewer temptations from the store. Anything that might tempt the kid is now locked up. She's watching. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her. I hate to see her like this.
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